Wow, long time no see. I feel a bit sad about how much I've missed here while I've been gone. But I think I'm finally starting to feel better.
Basically I've been grieving the life I'd like to live but will probably never have. I've been dealing with the fact that I'll probably always be a full-time employee (if I'm lucky, considering the job market currently) and there's no way around it.
Over the past few years, I've been hoping I could make self-employment work, and that idea of escape kept me going. But over and over I've been met with my limitations, and I realised self-employment may not be for me. So I've been dealing with the sadness and frustration of knowing the majority of my life – the best hours of the day for most of the week – will continue to be given to a company I do not care about just so I stay housed and fed.
It's the lack of autonomy that kills me. But over the past few months, I've been thinking about the ways my job gives me autonomy and how I might also increase that autonomy. For example, my paycheck gives me the opportunity to donate to causes I care about and people who need it. And being able to financially help others is probably way more effective than giving my body or my brain, since I'm disabled.
As another example, for a while now, I've had a dream to open an animal sanctuary for retired farm animals. Recently I looked into what that would entail, to see how realistic it was for me. And the answer was not realistic at all. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. But my paycheck means I can donate to people who are already doing something similar.
And I also had an idea: I've started livestreaming on Twitch three times a week. I'm doing body-doubling co-working sessions during my morning working hours. I already use body-doubling to help me focus at work, and leading sessions myself not only makes me feel like I have a bit more control over my life, it gives me a chance to practice self-expression, which is another thing I've felt is lacking from my life.
I've done YouTube in the past, and I sometimes post TikToks or write here on Neocities, but I was always very aware about how much I edit myself, and it never felt fully 'right'. Livestreaming means I just sorta turn up as myself (best I can). There's less time and space to get stuck in my head. It's been scary so far but also fun and freeing.